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There is so much on my mind lately and it’s hard to keep track anymore what I can do to make a difference. I look at how people judge me for something that is not my fault. How could people be so cruel to someone who needs a vehicle they need to make payments on. People don’t understand that transportation is needed and take for granted there motorcycles. I never seen such a nasty group of motorcyclists on a forum here in the Pacific Northwest. They rip me to shreds and don’t understand that what there doing is wrong.

How can you judge a person on just a credit score banks don’t care to lend and when someone needs a boost to make a difference there denied. Where are all my real friends at when your in need of help. I have done so much for people and I get taken advantage of. I can’t even finish my degree without help financially. I’m scared what my future will hold as things aren’t going well medically either. Day by day I continue to hope for a change and a new life I think of a life that revolves around security.

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Well I am glad to start finally working again despite it being a fast food job. I wonder though how I’m going to make more hours with the situation as living with limited hours isn’t going to help bring my savings goals for a motorcycle become a reality. It also won’t improve much quality of life unless I can start making closer to 28 hours a week as I have many bills to pay and I want money to save. The emotional life I go through is traumatic and those people around me can’t understand what it’s like to have the mental disorder challenges I face.

I been through a point of getting rid of the negative people in my life and have reached the end of the line for crap in my life. I know I am capable of many things and if I was given the tools to change my situation I would. And as time goes by I struggle to figure out how I will finish out my degree and its embarrassing to have to get into the financial aspects with my university as to why I am in the situation I am. Imagine having bills under control and then someone comes along steals thousands of dollars by the time you try to recoup what is lost. I can’t believe I have lost thousands of dollars moving my personal belongings I have lost my ability to finish a degree and I am honestly scared what my financial outlook will be.

I go to work at McDonald’s and not sure how long the job will last with my availability being ruined for medical appointments that I need to keep myself working. If I don’t get a vehicle soon I’m scared I will loose the things I work hard to obtain. Imagine spending six hours on a bus to get to and from Seattle which is only 20 miles a way. A whole day is lost that I could have worked because I am unable to get a motorcycle. I have done so much for so many people and then when I ask for help I haven’t one person to help me in this dire situation. How can one be denied credit for an education loan when there virtually impossible to dismiss. It’s horrible when I am in my last year and qualify for 5000 dollars to give me a roof over my head. Social security only provides me a 750 dollar living stipend and I want to get off of it but there are no programs that I can partake to get of this wage and DePaul University can’t understand the situation. If only I could have been accepted by a state college I would have had a dorm and a campus job and tuition and books covered with some loans. But the funny thing is I get more grants for tuition at a private school so in all reality I am not loosing in either regards.

The one thing I have lost is a home a place to live in Chicago to obtain my degree. I have a strong grade point average and do well in school. I wish credit was not something that partake in funding a financial education and the federal government doesn’t adjust the federal loans to the real cost of education. I will leave college likely without a degree and pay tens of thousands of dollars how is that fair all because I can’t get a private loan for my last year of college to obtain a home. I live way beneath poverty and its not a life to live and I don’t crave to be rich I just want enough to live and not worry about what happens in an emergency. I see everyone being able to enjoy life around them and have a good time. I want to be able to do the few things I enjoy. Everyday I wake up out of bed hoping that something will change and that this emotional pain will go away. I get one step ahead then there someone such as my father who thinks it is polite to say he wishes I was dead.

I wish I had parents thats actually cared about my well being and those who have parents they can talk to are lucky and even those who have had help with there college expenses. I wish I could have had that and people take there life’s for granted I notice alot. How hard is it to take one step back and look at what others go through and be kind enough to help someone? If you were in my situation you would see exactly what problems exist and how difficult they are to fix without help. Imagine the emotional parts you go through applying for a loan and being denied because of something you need is unable to be gotten. Education should be a right irregardless the ability to pay for it. Banks are greedy and don’t realize the harm and emotional pain they cause and I would do anything to have accomplished one goal in life and see my name on a degree. I feel like I am a failure as everyone around me tells me I am and I can’t believe my father would literally email me saying all I am is a piece of crap. Put in perspective I feel like time is passing and I haven’t much to change my life.

People talk about retirement and how they are building there portfolios and stocks and I haven’t even had a chance to build it and the only way I know I will get a job that pays decently would be to have my B.A. In Digital Cinema Production in Design with a minor in Video Game Design and Development with another minor in graphic design and web design. I am me year away from graduating I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t obtain it I have applied to so many positions and they won’t even look at me without a degree or experience. How can I gain experience when I have not even a degree to show for it. I can’t live on nine dollars an hour for the rest of my life it’s not physically possible.