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All I keep thinking about is why the hell do I have to go back to the United States as what do I have to look forward on April 15, 2015. I literally am so depressed that I have no where to have an owner in my life. There sadly will become a time that I am seriously going to just say enough is enough and finally die. The world won’t miss me and nobody seems to understand the importance of giving someone a simple piece of happiness.

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I am not excited to leave at all this morning. I feel so depressed and worried about if I will ever find a safe home to live in. I feel hurt because I can’t accomplish any goals in my life and I must be a failure. Nothing to me is more important then moving away from the United States. I want to stay in a safe secure environment. Or at least one of structure, safety, and security. When I go back to the United States, I will feel that there is no more meaning to my life. I will give up medical treatment soon so as not to endure any much more mental stress than necessary unless I have the chance to relocate. I feel more at home in Europe than I will ever feel in the United States.

Having since awoken and taken a shower and out of the restraints I was in overnight I feel so incomplete. Its only going to be harder on me leaving the prison onto the train from Dresden, Germany. I am certainly not looking forward flying back to Seattle either as will be thinking about the time here missing the people I care about in Europe. I have given so much to others and have tried so much to prove myself. I wonder if truly someone will finally take me. I also have seem to lost my appetite this morning to. I felt like I just couldn’t eat cause I was so nervous. I finally feel a lot better now reflecting upon my time as I am nearing Switzerland once again. Finally had a decent lunch as well and looking forward to being back into Fribourg, Switzerland.

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I wake up and eat breakfast and not so much interaction with guards and that doesn’t bother me. Still have a major migraine and not looking forward to leaving tomorrow as this feels so safe. Not by any means I still am looking forward to only seeing my friends back in Switzerland. My only frustration is not knowing what to expect if its possible for me to stay in Europe. I would be so happy in either situation being with my friends in Switzerland or the cell in Germany locked down. I decided to take a nap after breakfast. I wish I could have had some pictures of this prison. I also feel that it is normal for one to be locked away.

I hate when people can’t understand my perspective as this isn’t killing me. It is not harmful to me or to others being safe and secure. What is wrong with being happy? I wish I could be in restraints this morning and no have had them removed last night for bedtime. My hopes of a future ability and my well being either in Switzerland or Germany are up to other peoples decisions. I want to stay in Europe and I wish I could obtain a residence permit. All I can think about is Maslow’s hierarchy of needs are being fulfilled where I am at now. Food, clothing, shelter, pursuit of happiness, and life. These key elements I find not only in this cell, but also where I am staying in Switzerland till have to go back to the United States. I am not stupid and all I give is caring, devotion, and always giving back to everyone.

I go home and half my basic needs will cease to exist. This trip has brought upon emotions of grieve, happiness, worry, and pain all through this experience in this cell. A lot of people take for granted for what they have and I wish there were more people out there that care about others. I have very few people in my life that do seem to care what happens to me and go figure all of them are in Europe not in the United States. I feel so embarrassed I broke down to tears and I can only hope that those who have seen me in such a state realize I am a good person. Living with depression and anxiety is like hell on Earth. I suppose I am glad that I didn’t leave the prison today as I can continue to rest and recuperate physically.

I feel so sick to my stomach and overall fear for my life ahead. Part of me wishes I could take a motorcycle ride to clear my thoughts out to. I wish I had the money to extend my stay here at this cell as I would gladly enjoy that. I hate the fact everything is so expensive and I want to own my own prison or build one for myself. At points I still hope someone just takes me and never releases me. The funny part is I am not even scared where I am at now.Even though I am still in tears of joy in some regards, I also have tears of sorrow. I am wondering what the rest of this trip will be like and am indeed grateful that this trip was possible. Even at a significant cost to others and myself. More train travel tomorrow and I’m not looking forward to one bit of it. I feel as like time is going by to fast and that I wish that time would stop so I can feel happy for the rest of my life. I guess that isolation plays weird tricks on the mind, but being able to clear my thoughts are deeply important. I pray to the universe that something will change my life for the better and that I get owned.

I feel like some of these mind games are getting to me and I want someone to really follow through on being apart of a new life. Most of the day gone by and I just sit here in my thoughts and also try to rest. Food was ok for the most part albeit basic and one of the meals was bland pasta except for tonight. The chicken was the best dish in comparison to the other things I was given which mostly consisted of bread, cheese, butter, and cold meats. Sadly the time is almost over here and there will be a long trip back to Fribourg, Switzerland. Seems like the entire day went by and haven’t been in any physical restraints. I find that I could have used even more confinement and remaining secure in heavier restraints longer term. I can’t believe the weather either this time of the year as its so windy outside.

Nothing drives me more crazy then wind as it just plain creeps me out. I finally to to see snow outside after looking out the barred cell windows. I stare at the old wooden floors as well as the cement walls, as well the metal bunk bed, thinking if only I did not have to leave. I don’t have much financial resources left and I ball up in tears again for the night. I want to get myself a pari of ALFAproj restraints from Czech Republic as there so much comfortable and I got to go to bed in them.

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Thoughts run through my head scared of every day life. The emotional pain and tears run down my face tying to come to terms with what the point of life is. I feel most secure with the chains upon me and being locked away. The physical abuse I go through with my roommate continues to place me in more mental anguish and that is suffering I don’t want to go back to. The thoughts of living just don’t seem to have a place in my head, as no goals of being owned and left confined don’t seem to be happening. I think about what be like to just get arrested and remain secured for a lifetime for my sanity at times.

I think about what a sense of calm I get when I have some structure in my life. I think about the first experience I had in a bondage prison five years ago. I was thinking how at that time I had found what I had needed the whole entire time which was being an inmate/slave with few things. Life with such simplicity was great and I found that inner peace. At such time I was left alone with my computer and I felt that since of calm that I never felt in my life. It was when that alpha was so jealous of me and my relationship with a potential sir was ruined. I at the time never felt so lost and was left broken and feeling like a failure. I had lost the most ideal situation all for one over jealous alpha. I then went back to Chicago having been displaced and no real home whilst my time expired at the dorm.

I thought how at that point in time that death was one viable option. Eventually I moved to California for a little period of time and found that it was to expensive on my limited government disability income. I had a motorcycle settlement and was talking with someone I have feelings for in Switzerland. I then decided that I would fly a few years ago to visit. It all felt so perfect the first time I came here and I thought maybe there was hope for things to get better. Apparently I was wrong and ended up back in the USA homeless and no where to go for a short period of time. I then talked with someone on a gay site and found myself in the current abusive situation I am in now. I been with the same person for almost the entire time since my last visit to Europe. Throughout these years I reexamined myself to realize that I am worth nothing.

I have lost my education, still can’t find a decent job, and constantly underpaid for the skills I have. I tell myself how is this worth it and why can’t I just live sometimes in a prison cell and work a little bit. Being able to keep my laptop and being owned would mean so much to me. I felt so unlucky to be born in a country that I am stuck in and can’t seem to ever leave. I couldn’t have that relationship with the friend in Europe I have love for. In fact I felt defeated then to this day and I keep searching for the prison experience and to be that slave I feel I’m supposed to be. I don’t want to be living in the USA anymore and I wished I lived in Europe as I had so many offers abroad to be owned at one point.

The problem came for me that overtime an option was possible I was unable to afford getting to such destinations. To be locked up in a safe bondage prison cell in the United States no one seemed to care how it would calm me. They all seem to think I am mentally unstable for needing such a lifestyle. My medical situation was also used against me as well. HIV is the biggest living nightmare that I keep living with. This has hurt my dreams and many goals in life including several bondage ones as well. The United States government military gave me something that has left me in poverty and has ruined my mental state. I didn’t choose to be forced injections with a tainted needle for immunizations. To find out I was HIV poz was a challenge and still is eight years later. In the last couple of months my health has been deteriorating from such poor healthcare. I feel that the worst is yet to happen the longer I stay in the United States.

I can only take so much bad news of having imminent kidney failure. I’m deeply scared to die all alone in this country where its so called free. All I want to do most the time is die in a cell naturally forever how long the rest of my life has. It seems that this is to much to ask or really is it? Is it so much to ask to be happy and yet this is such in some ways a simple option but everyone who has the ability to do this makes it so hard to accomplish. I have come to realize that if I don’t find it soon I will seize to exist faster than my normal lifespan. I am barely hanging on now as it is. The one thing that keeps me going was that there could be a possibility that this trip to Europe could change my life for the better. Someone who wants me somewhere safe. If this trips ends and I can’t come back to stay legally and maybe owned I probably will give up fighting for my life. I feel that dying in a prison cell or in some ridged structure is important to my life. I feel most free in something so simple.

A locked cell as it calms me even more. Even the counseling I got said for some that is beneficial but yet it is almost impossible to get. I could never commit such a crime to that free ticket to happiness. I would want somewhere much safer and more of a bondage oriented ownership situation. I would want a few different things that is not normally found in prisons such as access to my laptop. This being helpful to keep my mind mentally active. My only real hope of a real quality of life is someone who realizes that money isn’t everything and I have more to offer than that. I only hope that I die in cuffs and a cell at times. I want no more fully what some consider freedom in a sense. Simplicity to me was always better. If I had the money to build or buy a prison cell I would have done such already. I wish I could earn my keep somehow and use the little money I make for a cell. If I could would be so happy and just maybe I would heal mentally and physically.

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Mostly in the morning I was feeling excellent after having food and a shower. It wasn’t until it came to the point of cleaning the floors, that I was battling many thoughts. Mentally my mind was battling with the enjoyment of doing such activities. This being while I finally got to do such activities in leg irons attached with handcuffs. Albeit this not being the first time I have ever cleaned for a sir as in my opinion it what is my ultimate purpose is in life. The first time though for cleaning in a full set of restraints was a challenge to say the very least. I did enjoy that challenge of cleaning in such restraints more than anything in some of my various bondage experiences in the past. The restriction felt the best to me for some odd mental reason. It was not until after the chores of washing the floors, that my mind had finally broke. It was to me when I was led to a dark cell, that was practically pitch black, in a hogtie position face forward on my stomach, that I felt what was like ten minutes I finally completely started to cry so hard. The feeling that I would feel like this visit to the German prison would be to short. I kept reflecting all about my life and what purpose do I feel like I have in life. I have battled so many thoughts and feel that my life purpose is to live in a sense mostly restricted. I wanted t never leave this prison as I am afraid of my life back on the outside and primarily that of the United States.

I have nothing worth living back in the United States which as a country whom has left me to die with poverty. I have felt like such a failure for practically almost trying to leave this prison a day earlier. I got to a point mentally and physically that I wasn’t feeling so good. The amount of stress I have as well as anxiety is not healthy. As for a select percentage of people there are those that need safe and secure rooms and there apparently is not an easy way to be in one aside from getting arrested. I am jealous of the people that don’t have this problem and sometimes wish I could swap places with such people. I wish I had a good income and could operate my own private prison and claim a cell of my own. I feel that the best lifetime situation would combine having a locking room aka a cell but also a few more things for mental stability and to be able to continue learning.

Communication to some degree is important and having a computer and phone be better for parts of the day especially to work on projects. I wish my $778 USD that I make a month would get me this goal and being a European resident. I wonder what options in a humanitarianism situation could grant me that ability to stay here legally aside from some form of civil union it feels so helpless. I wish wasn’t so hard to find a residence permit. I feel that having to go back to the United States eventually my plans are to give up trying to keep myself medically healthy don’t exist as I have nothing to live anymore. If I don’t have the ability to leave the United States behind within a few months to come here permanently I can not foresee living the suffering anymore. It has come to a time that United States needs to go farewell and I want nothing more than to destroy that ugly passport that gets me nowhere being a citizen of hell on Earth.