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I have reached the last moment of wanting to live in my life. I’m tired of being so poor and unable to make ends meet. Nobody wants to help lock me up and insure that I remain happy and secured in a jail cell. I am so tired of all those people who lied to me and made me a fool and hurt my emotions. I don’t want the pain of freedom anymore and the fucking cops won’t help lock me up either. I’m surrounded by a bunch of passive aggressive people that say they care and really don’t.

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So you think your better then me because you got lots of money a decent job and a personality of hatred. You think just because someone is depressed that it gives you the right to judge the person and what they go through in life. Seriously grow up and stop being such assholes as I have nothing left worth living in my life. I have coped with more trying experiences and to place yourself on such high pedestals doesn’t make it any easier. I feel so lost and so defeated by this country I am living in and it’s people. The other problem is with the gay community itself which doesn’t seem to get any better. I feel like the only thing people truly are in love with is money. I have asked for one fucking simple thing and that is longterm confinement in a jail cell. Is that so hard to just pick me up and take me to jail asap. I am ready for whoever wants to make this reality. I want that living life of confinement and to wear worn down clothes and sleep locked in such a tiny room.

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A trip to Germany should have been an enjoyable affair and all I can think about is how fast I want to be right home in my bed in the next several hours. To live with this sickness and to coexist with my HIV I wouldn’t wish these pills on my enemies. A whole trip ruined by I have a feeling used to be my ex drug addict roommate. I never could have came across this nightmare TB infection. Though at moment its in latent stage all I want to do is throw up sleep and sleep again. Lost nearly all my appetite for several days I finally managed to eat on board my layover flight to Calgary. I can’t wait to get back to Seattle and see my little feathery pipsqueaks as they offer there unconditional love no matter what pain I go through. I have lost money to travel to Chicago but oh well I suppose it’s better to rest and try to heal from this terrible poison I have taken. I fear the worst everyday I try to cope through life and this has really put a damper into my mental,physical, and financial state of mind. To think the other day I wanted nothing more then to just end my life throughout my dreams and trying to cope from the stress. Living my life has caused so many struggles and does life ever really get better. I begin to wonder what it’s like to have happiness this trip was supposed to calm me but the only thing I could think about is that arrogant asshole who didn’t take care of there health and left me even more crippled. Then there is the doctor who couldn’t have told me weeks ago when they knew I had it. All for a few insurance dollars it begins to make me wonder if really the fucking United States even cares about my well being. You can force someone to get treatment but you can’t provide them the medical care they need how ironic. Fuck you state of Washington also for playing these games with my medicare. I’m not made of money and I’m going to loose even more. I want my prison cell back I want the calm serenity of security it offers me and just to sleep like I did abroad in Germany.

All I want to feel is the return to innocence a life of happiness a life filled with tranquility and decent health. Shouldn’t have to come at a cost of my health and safety in life for the happiness. It’s to expensive to get what I need and it hurts me everyday I have be surviving this pain. There so many songs I keep hearing through my head and impact my emotional state of mind. I feel like I just want to pass out and the nauseous feeling needs to go away.

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I giving up trying to suffer and trying to survive from this HIV I can’t take it anymore. I can’t even afford the therapy I need to survive mentally and everyone thinks I can handle there problems which I myself can’t handle. Getting no sleep is getting old and living with all this pain. Loosing what little sanity I have left assholes online putting me down for the simple fact I need a prison cell to crawl into. I can’t live this hell anymore I can’t deal with the nightmares being so broke. I want to feel normal but how do I when all I get is shit and more.

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To many thoughts run through my head as the day comes to remove my restraints and feel the fake freedom once again. If only I could stay within this prison cell forever. This place is the perfect home for someone like me. I should have no rights be welded into restraints and secured. Prison is what’s good for people like me. I hate to be free in this world and wish people would understand me. The amount of money it takes for a cell that I don’t  have as the therapy is expensive.