I am hurting and griefing so much as I have lost my Congo African Grey named Wicker. He was the joy of my life and would cheer me up when I was all alone and now I have nothing left. I can not even be in Finland where I also felt happy. I am lost without my feathered companion and I can not afford to replace him with another African Grey as I am on disability. I am crying so much from the abrupt loss to my baby it’s not the same waking up not hearing him speaking and whistling. He died of heart disease and intestine cancer. With the COVID-19 pandemic going on in this world I have suffered greatly and lost the closest companion in my life. This decade I hope will come to an end soon enough as the pain is not getting any better.
I am saying goodbye to the pain the suffering the inability to have what I need. I am always denied everything that makes me happy. I can not get decent health care. I am unable to be able to live in Europe which would solve the majority of my problems. I need safety and need medical care but that is not a fundamental right in America. I can not even afford to get on an ankle monitor as I am too poor. I can not even have someone that loves me in America. I get played with for 6+ months by a person in Finland and no one does anything to help. People are too fucking self-conceited to actually help someone in need. I wish I could be locked up in a prison cell and happy. I wish I could be like those on the show 60 Days In as they have it made and get to experience what I want. I can not get back to Finland where I am the happiest I had ever been in years. Is there anyone in this world who wants me.
I am tired of waking up all alone and hurting daily. I want to feel having my happiness back. I was meant to be living in Europe, not in the United States. I go to work and come home almost every day and cry myself to pieces. I wish I was special and had the opportunity to move to Finland. I wish I could make someone happy as I am just useless. I wish was put into jail for the rest of my life at least then I can be happy and feel safe and confined. I want to be controlled and have a structured environment. I wish I was able to live inside a small room with concrete surrounding me and my toilet in the same room with a metal bed and a thin pad upon it. I wish one day my dreams would become a reality. I wish was able to afford to be locked up on an gps ankle monitor as well but being poor sucks.
I wish I was worthy to be loved and to be wanted. I wish that I could have my happiness back but what good ever comes to those who do good for others? I have gone out of my way so many times to help people and when I need it I can not find it. I am all alone in this world and am tired of fighting for a life where I have to be all alone. I don’t have anything left to keep going for as I can not get to live in Europe. People would rather make sure I am made fun of daily in America. I get so fed up with people playing there games and I am going to fly away from here as soon as I get another 4,000 bucks to spend a couple of months abroad. I don’t want to die all alone anymore and I regret that I even came back cause now I’m dying in pain. I have no fucking friends in this country. I have nothing left when I finally die and that will make the best happiness anyone could ever want. I do not need any more pain in my life and don’t deserve to be left like this. Fucking sick of others playing there games and not letting me have my happiness. I wish I had jumped on the metro rail in Helsinki, Finland as I would have left this world happy and with people around me instead I come back to America where no one cares about me and I am crying myself to sleep every night. I wish I was not led on by losers who really do not help or care to be real. I want to be locked up in restraints and locked in a jail cell. I want to feel safe and secure and have my happiness as well. I wish I was worthy of something and not such a failure in life.
I wish I had the opportunity of a lifetime to be able to be loved and wanted in life. I wish that someone would give me that chance in Europe. I have nothing left in life to keep going for. I have shitty medical care and live in a third world country called America. This place is the worst country in the world that I have sadly lived 31 years to long in. The New Years will mark the end of the pain as I will no longer have medications for my life. I will no longer have what I need to fight anymore. I will no longer be able to have the basics in life. I will no longer see happiness as it has been ripped beneath me by some cruel people. I wanted to live in Finland and never will have that opportunity my skills are not good enough for anyone. I am told that I should kill myself daily and not even held or loved. I will say goodbye soon as I no longer need to live in a world of pain and hurt.
I hate how my time was wasted by this piece of utmost garbage who is unable to love. I wish I could have my life be important to someone as I am going to die in America from the lack of healthcare. I have no friends here in this dump country and am left to die. I wish there was someone that would actually help. I am tired of this I care bullshit and I want to help you but when it comes to committing an action they do not actually do what is needed to help. I can not wait as karma will come back to those who fucked me over. Being selfish is great for the person who is being selfish but not for the one who tried to care for a deadbeat. I wish never spent seven dates with a fucking loser who can not love. I fucking have to die because I can not be in Europe. I want to fucking die today and not have to suffer this pain. If I am so special then why am I treated like I am a piece of garbage. I wish I could be in the ground not having to feel these emotions anymore because I am all alone.
I’m so alone and wishing was wanted in my life. I want to live in Finland and am tired of the abuse I get from others back in America. I wish I had a resident permit to stay but can not find anyone who isn’t selfish to give me that opportunity. I wish I was blessed with a better life but seems like I will die in the hell of my own country. Why is it others can find a job and a better life versus me? Why is it so hard to find my chance? I see others have opportunities that don’t take advantage of what they have. I’d gladly learn Finnish language if I could live here. I’m so tired of the pain and hurt of having no one in America care about me.
I guess people just don’t care about me enough to make a commitment. I didn’t ask for any of the issues I deal with. I just want one fucking opportunity to be able to live in happiness. Is it too much to ask to be given even one year abroad and an opportunity to be in Europe? I dream of living in Finland and to have my happiness. I am afraid the only option I have to end my suffering is to end the pain and give up living another day. I do not know why anyone should have to suffer in the way that I do. I should have the ability to have happiness and security just like everyone else. I really feel like there is nothing left to keep fighting for. I just have nothing left to keep going for anymore. I do not want to have to leave Finland but there is never a miracle for people like me. It’s the people in United Shits of Assholes that is the hugest problem. A country that is full of the most downright nasty diseased people that are all in it for themselves. The medical in America sucks and they are slowly killing me. I am told by doctors I deserve to live in pain and then am left with no recourse for my health. I really do not want to continue to live in a country where being disabled is a crime and that they have to continue to suffer.
I am getting so tired of the country I was born in. I can not get proper medical care from my own country. The United States continues to persecute me and the medical system is a complete fail. I don’t want to suffer another day in this cruel country. The people who make fun of me and my HIV is getting old. I literally suffer from severe depression and anxiety because of how people reject me and make fun of me for being a human being. I did not choose to be depressed nor did I choose to be stuck in this shit hole. Even money will not give me what I desire. I would do anything to trade places with someone in Finland that has a resident permit. I literally could be having fun and happiness if I was given even a year to live in Finland. I wish there would be someone out there that would give me that opportunity to be able to work there. Is there anyone who wants a gay guy that has a heart full of love? Is there anyone out there that cares more than how much money I make and whats in my bank account? I honestly want that chance in life to have my happiness. I am tired of crying myself to sleep every night and stuck in this situation. Everyday I continue to give kindness to everyone around me. I am also worthy of being loved in this world and I should have the same opportunities others have to spend time in Finland and reside there. I am going back to Finland in October to celebrate my birthday a week before Halloween. I can only hope that my miracle will present itself this time around. It is so hard to feel happy for someone else having the time of their lives while I am behind here feeling the rejection in my own area. I rather be dead then to come back to America and I am tempted to give up the pain when I arrive.
I am tired of taking HIV meds for the rest of my useless life. I do not have the compassion available to me in the United States. This country has failed me and I am done taking pills to prolong my suffering. I did not ask to be born here I did not ask for shitty healthcare. I did not wish to be born here and everyday I put up with so much mental abuse. I will not survive much longer here unless something massive happens. My healthcare is failing in this country and I wish there would be someone out there who has compassion to make a difference in my life. I can not believe that people are so greedy over fucking money. Its the root of all evils and I find that hard to believe that someone out there could show me compassion. I don’t have a lot in my life financially but what I do have is love and compassion for those in this world. I want my chance to move to Europe.