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I wake up and eat breakfast and not so much interaction with guards and that doesn’t bother me. Still have a major migraine and not looking forward to leaving tomorrow as this feels so safe. Not by any means I still am looking forward to only seeing my friends back in Switzerland. My only frustration is not knowing what to expect if its possible for me to stay in Europe. I would be so happy in either situation being with my friends in Switzerland or the cell in Germany locked down. I decided to take a nap after breakfast. I wish I could have had some pictures of this prison. I also feel that it is normal for one to be locked away.
I hate when people can’t understand my perspective as this isn’t killing me. It is not harmful to me or to others being safe and secure. What is wrong with being happy? I wish I could be in restraints this morning and no have had them removed last night for bedtime. My hopes of a future ability and my well being either in Switzerland or Germany are up to other peoples decisions. I want to stay in Europe and I wish I could obtain a residence permit. All I can think about is Maslow’s hierarchy of needs are being fulfilled where I am at now. Food, clothing, shelter, pursuit of happiness, and life. These key elements I find not only in this cell, but also where I am staying in Switzerland till have to go back to the United States. I am not stupid and all I give is caring, devotion, and always giving back to everyone.
I go home and half my basic needs will cease to exist. This trip has brought upon emotions of grieve, happiness, worry, and pain all through this experience in this cell. A lot of people take for granted for what they have and I wish there were more people out there that care about others. I have very few people in my life that do seem to care what happens to me and go figure all of them are in Europe not in the United States. I feel so embarrassed I broke down to tears and I can only hope that those who have seen me in such a state realize I am a good person. Living with depression and anxiety is like hell on Earth. I suppose I am glad that I didn’t leave the prison today as I can continue to rest and recuperate physically.
I feel so sick to my stomach and overall fear for my life ahead. Part of me wishes I could take a motorcycle ride to clear my thoughts out to. I wish I had the money to extend my stay here at this cell as I would gladly enjoy that. I hate the fact everything is so expensive and I want to own my own prison or build one for myself. At points I still hope someone just takes me and never releases me. The funny part is I am not even scared where I am at now.Even though I am still in tears of joy in some regards, I also have tears of sorrow. I am wondering what the rest of this trip will be like and am indeed grateful that this trip was possible. Even at a significant cost to others and myself. More train travel tomorrow and I’m not looking forward to one bit of it. I feel as like time is going by to fast and that I wish that time would stop so I can feel happy for the rest of my life. I guess that isolation plays weird tricks on the mind, but being able to clear my thoughts are deeply important. I pray to the universe that something will change my life for the better and that I get owned.
I feel like some of these mind games are getting to me and I want someone to really follow through on being apart of a new life. Most of the day gone by and I just sit here in my thoughts and also try to rest. Food was ok for the most part albeit basic and one of the meals was bland pasta except for tonight. The chicken was the best dish in comparison to the other things I was given which mostly consisted of bread, cheese, butter, and cold meats. Sadly the time is almost over here and there will be a long trip back to Fribourg, Switzerland. Seems like the entire day went by and haven’t been in any physical restraints. I find that I could have used even more confinement and remaining secure in heavier restraints longer term. I can’t believe the weather either this time of the year as its so windy outside.
Nothing drives me more crazy then wind as it just plain creeps me out. I finally to to see snow outside after looking out the barred cell windows. I stare at the old wooden floors as well as the cement walls, as well the metal bunk bed, thinking if only I did not have to leave. I don’t have much financial resources left and I ball up in tears again for the night. I want to get myself a pari of ALFAproj restraints from Czech Republic as there so much comfortable and I got to go to bed in them.
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