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Thoughts run through my head scared of every day life. The emotional pain and tears run down my face tying to come to terms with what the point of life is. I feel most secure with the chains upon me and being locked away. The physical abuse I go through with my roommate continues to place me in more mental anguish and that is suffering I don’t want to go back to. The thoughts of living just don’t seem to have a place in my head, as no goals of being owned and left confined don’t seem to be happening. I think about what be like to just get arrested and remain secured for a lifetime for my sanity at times.

I think about what a sense of calm I get when I have some structure in my life. I think about the first experience I had in a bondage prison five years ago. I was thinking how at that time I had found what I had needed the whole entire time which was being an inmate/slave with few things. Life with such simplicity was great and I found that inner peace. At such time I was left alone with my computer and I felt that since of calm that I never felt in my life. It was when that alpha was so jealous of me and my relationship with a potential sir was ruined. I at the time never felt so lost and was left broken and feeling like a failure. I had lost the most ideal situation all for one over jealous alpha. I then went back to Chicago having been displaced and no real home whilst my time expired at the dorm.

I thought how at that point in time that death was one viable option. Eventually I moved to California for a little period of time and found that it was to expensive on my limited government disability income. I had a motorcycle settlement and was talking with someone I have feelings for in Switzerland. I then decided that I would fly a few years ago to visit. It all felt so perfect the first time I came here and I thought maybe there was hope for things to get better. Apparently I was wrong and ended up back in the USA homeless and no where to go for a short period of time. I then talked with someone on a gay site and found myself in the current abusive situation I am in now. I been with the same person for almost the entire time since my last visit to Europe. Throughout these years I reexamined myself to realize that I am worth nothing.

I have lost my education, still can’t find a decent job, and constantly underpaid for the skills I have. I tell myself how is this worth it and why can’t I just live sometimes in a prison cell and work a little bit. Being able to keep my laptop and being owned would mean so much to me. I felt so unlucky to be born in a country that I am stuck in and can’t seem to ever leave. I couldn’t have that relationship with the friend in Europe I have love for. In fact I felt defeated then to this day and I keep searching for the prison experience and to be that slave I feel I’m supposed to be. I don’t want to be living in the USA anymore and I wished I lived in Europe as I had so many offers abroad to be owned at one point.

The problem came for me that overtime an option was possible I was unable to afford getting to such destinations. To be locked up in a safe bondage prison cell in the United States no one seemed to care how it would calm me. They all seem to think I am mentally unstable for needing such a lifestyle. My medical situation was also used against me as well. HIV is the biggest living nightmare that I keep living with. This has hurt my dreams and many goals in life including several bondage ones as well. The United States government military gave me something that has left me in poverty and has ruined my mental state. I didn’t choose to be forced injections with a tainted needle for immunizations. To find out I was HIV poz was a challenge and still is eight years later. In the last couple of months my health has been deteriorating from such poor healthcare. I feel that the worst is yet to happen the longer I stay in the United States.

I can only take so much bad news of having imminent kidney failure. I’m deeply scared to die all alone in this country where its so called free. All I want to do most the time is die in a cell naturally forever how long the rest of my life has. It seems that this is to much to ask or really is it? Is it so much to ask to be happy and yet this is such in some ways a simple option but everyone who has the ability to do this makes it so hard to accomplish. I have come to realize that if I don’t find it soon I will seize to exist faster than my normal lifespan. I am barely hanging on now as it is. The one thing that keeps me going was that there could be a possibility that this trip to Europe could change my life for the better. Someone who wants me somewhere safe. If this trips ends and I can’t come back to stay legally and maybe owned I probably will give up fighting for my life. I feel that dying in a prison cell or in some ridged structure is important to my life. I feel most free in something so simple.

A locked cell as it calms me even more. Even the counseling I got said for some that is beneficial but yet it is almost impossible to get. I could never commit such a crime to that free ticket to happiness. I would want somewhere much safer and more of a bondage oriented ownership situation. I would want a few different things that is not normally found in prisons such as access to my laptop. This being helpful to keep my mind mentally active. My only real hope of a real quality of life is someone who realizes that money isn’t everything and I have more to offer than that. I only hope that I die in cuffs and a cell at times. I want no more fully what some consider freedom in a sense. Simplicity to me was always better. If I had the money to build or buy a prison cell I would have done such already. I wish I could earn my keep somehow and use the little money I make for a cell. If I could would be so happy and just maybe I would heal mentally and physically.

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