Picture of Author in Parus Metal Collar

I need someone out there that can save my life and make a difference by putting this punk in a jail cell. Everyday is becoming more of a burden and without confinement therapy I will continue to suffer. There are so many people out there that are living the daily life of ultimate freedom. If I was a punk in a jail cell my anxiety would be reduced. I would finally be able to sleep at night and would be able to heal from the PTSD. The pain of living without what I need to heal is getting to the point I do not want to keep going on. Inmates have a structure in life where as me I have nothing. I deserve ultimate freedom and dream of being arrested. Why is it only the elite get to go to prison where as people like me can never have it. I can not even find a place to pay to be put into jail. I wish that I could have that life saving therapy by being a punk in a jail cell. They do not have to pay for everything and get more than I ever can living on a disability income.
Why is it so hard for anyone to understand the pain I go thru? I hate my father with a burning passion and would love to have him be suffering the pain he caused me. I can not function in society without confinement therapy. I wish it was just something as simple as anxiety or depression in life that could be handled by medication. The isolation from all the decisions would benefit me tremendously and cause a calming effect in life. If I left this world the pain could finally be over since there is not any help for the thereapy I need. I can not find a job and I can not afford to do the things I enjoy. I have given up everything moving to Finland and the lack of support from the one I married is driving me crazy. He doesn’t understand that I have needs to do activities that distract me. I have no motorcycle now and I miss riding. The lack of jobs available is not making things easier trying to integrate with Finland. I deserve to be happy and secured. I wish I was understood and wish that I did not have to worry anymore. Can anyone get me put into a prison cell now?

Freedom from pain!

Why is it so difficult to have the freedom from pain. I know so many people who are living happy lives in life in comparison. The inmates are all having there freedom from pain and getting everything handed to them on a gold platter. They are so ungrateful and it hurts me so much that others want to judge what my needs are. I did not ask to be born into such a vile culture or selfish punks. I want to leave the United Shits of Assholes as soon as financially possible, as I would have a better life with my husband in comparison to what I put up with people here that treat me like garbage. I hate having to wake up every morning feeling like a complete an utter failure for existing in this world. I wish I was given the needs to survive and be happy. I keep waiting for a decision to be able to move abroad to be with the one I married in Finland. I am so sick and tired of people treating me like shit. I deserve freedom from pain and suffering and to have the confinement needs that I so deeply need. My prayers are never going to be answered and the need for confinement is getting stronger day by day as I feel all alone stuck in this hell hole of United Shits of Assholes. I am looking forward to the day I can have feedom from pain and to be incarcerated like others are inside jail.
Inmates are some of the most luckiest people in the world. I envy how they have freedom from the pain of living in such a disgusting society. I would be so happy the day that I can be arrested and taken into custody. I wish that I was able to trade places with the ungrateful inmates in this country. They get everything they need and me I have to fight everyday without the JAIL Therapy I need to live my life. I deserve to have my freedom given to me that is found inside a jail cell. Everyday gets worse and I am loosing my health without the ability to have the amenities that are found inside jail. I wish that I was lucky to have a cop put me in handcuffs and transport me into a jail cell. I want to go thru intake and experience the happy feeling of getting a mugshot and fingerprinted. I want to be put into that holding cell and stripped of my identity down to a number. I want to be given those jail clothes and the thin jail mattress they provided and taken to my cell. I would be so happy being given some fucking structure in life even if I have multiple cellmates. Least when I’m inside a jail cell I will finally have freedom from pain. I wish dreams came true in life and that I was sitting inside a jail cell its all I fucking want right now. Instead I get made fun of for my needs and told by cops, doctors, and others that I should just end my life. Why is this the answer to someone because they are different? What gives them the right to not help me and give me the therapy that I fucking need in life? Try doing something for someone that can make a difference in their life.  Please can someone help me get put inside a jail cell for real instead of baiting me non stop. I deserve to have my happiness in life.

wearing ankle monitors


I want What Inmates Have!

Inmates have a perfect life in comparison to what I go through on a daily basis. Its not like I can have the alternative that makes me happy in life. That is the ability to leave the shit hole country of United Shits of Assholes forever and move to a country like Finland. I can not seem to have anyone that loves me in Amerishita as they are selfish fucking slobs who enjoy the suffering they give to others. Greed seems to be the neverending trend of the culture of Americans and to spread the hate and suffering everywhere. Why would you want to be a decent human being and do something compassionate for someone who is less fortunate? Why would you want to allow a disabled person to be married or to have a job where there not worried about whether they are going to get fired for needing a doctors appointment? I have learned that working at jobs that its not worth even trying anymore when you are given nothing but abuse from the management of the job, the coworkers as well which also are dehumanizing, and also the customers to who think there always right in life. I have realized how much hate is inside  98% of the American population the more that I travel away from it. The facts are America is a a disgusting country in which I wish I was never born in. Human rights are not what someone comes to think of when your in a country that is so undeveloped such as Amerishita. All I want at this point is to move abroad to Finland and rip up my American passport as soon as I can physically renounce the citizenship. I wish I had the ability to declare asylum from the hell I was cursed to be born in.

There is no wonders to why I want what inmates have as they are given all the simple things in life one needs to survive. They are given the luxuries of free housing, free medical care, free clothing, and free food in comparison to the people who are living on disability.  I have to fucking pay for everything living on a pathetic $854 a month and can not have my own small fucking apartment. I have to llive somewhere that is not as luxurious compared to what the inmates get. I am not able to get low income housing because I am not a minority such as a drug user, female, or someone who decided to have kids they can not afford. The system is fucking rigged for those who want to improve their lives. Forget acutally having employers who care about the well being of the employees that they hire. Good bye to you as an employee if you need to have a day off to take care of a doctors appointment or if you get sick. Also the customers in the service industry can berate you non stop and standing up for your human rights. I want what inmates have as I will be given everything that should be basic human fundamental rights in life. 

I would have no more stress and worries to have to deal with in life and not have to focus on trying to survive on nothing anymore. I wish I was born in Europe cause then my dreams of happiness would come true. I could finally be married and have someone special in my life. I would have the ability to choose which country I want to live in as there is more than one in the EU area. I would have my dream of living in Finland actually come true and not have to be stressed out that I will have to come back to a country of idiots who think a vaccine is going to kill them and nasty fucking entitled Karen’s that think they are the Queen of Sheba.  I honestly have no idea how these people think they deserve any service at all. Patience is apparently not a thing for these demons from hell and I think they need to get a taste of their own meds.

What is Happiness?

Things in life just never get better as time goes on. Where is my miracle in life to have happiness in life? I see others getting the basic life I need and crave in life. I deserve to have that safety and security just like people in jail have. The system is so unfair to the disabled population in USA as there is not sufficient help to allow me to live independently. Inmates get everything handed to them because they commit crimes and have luxuries unlike me. They get true freedom from everyday responsibilities and get free food, shelter, medical, activities, and clothing. I wish I could trade places with anyone of them inmates. I wish I was locked up and able to know what is happiness in life. I would love to be confined and have the bondage they get daily and the structured lifestyle. I can not even get any person to lock me up in bondage which is calming to me. People constantly judge me for being poor, disabled, and being HIV+. This is not fair to me whatsoever to be treated like I am absolutely fucking useless in life. I did not choose to be born on this planet. I also did not choose to be born in the country with the most selfish, greedy assholes that I have ever met. Seems like people want to always one up and make fun of the people who are not so fortunate and blessed in life.

Freedom is ultimately found within the walls of a jail cell and sadly are given to the elite of society.  Why is it that I should have to commit crimes to have the answer to what is happiness? Society does not want me happy in life and it sucks so much. I hate being disabled and living on poverty wages and not being able to have a good paying job. I want to be in chains right now and to have happiness back and have the structure that I need. I wish I did not have to be rejected by others and told how fucking useless that I am. Words can hurt people more than you think and are you really that much better than the person your saying such vile comments to. I need confinement as it helps reduce the anxiety and helps me feel safety and security. I love being locked down and I honestly do not get enough of it. The feeling of being locked up in a jail cell would ease the pain and create so much happiness in my life. If someone would even lock me in a heavy steel cage and keep me restrained in bondage it could help. I would be so happy to be taken into custody and given the jail cell. To have the comfortable clothes and be able to wear them all the time would be amazing. Since one can not wear them in public it sucks so much without getting into more issues.

I wish someone would come take me away and lock me up for the rest of my useless life. To be able to be restrained and controlled is the solution in life but no one will make this a reality. I wish I was that lucky slave who right now is being a gimp hooded and restrained for my life. To be able to become what I was meant for life and to remain gagged and restrained. I would love to be in a cage in heavy irons and just be able to focus on what makes me happy and have a purpose. I want to be able to not have to worry about this cruel world. I wish that I was never born in America cause no one here in this country needs me at all. I hope that when I go to Finland that I will never have to come back here because its hell on Earth in America. Having hardly anyone that cares how I feel here and being alone sucks. 

take me to jail and Give Freedom!

I do not fit in with society whatsoever and need my therapy to help my life. I do not understand why it is so hard to take me to jail. People do not grasp the need for confinement and think that medications work for everything. News flash they really fucking don’t work for anything and they are more of a guessing game than true therapy. Then there are the spiritual ones that believe in some fucking GOD who is not in my opinion real at all. I know of no higher being that would want to cause suffering that the world has caused. This is purely a version of hell and I honestly want to leave this hell behind for the rest of my life. I want what freedom really is and that’s only given to those who get to live their lives locked up in luxurious facilities such as jails or prisons. I will never have my dream of having someone who loves me in this dump of a country called the USA. I would love to see this country broken up it’s too big and is one of the worst countries in the world. Healthcare is atrocious and the lack of benefits that are afforded to the disabled is even worse. Over-priced education and the lack of programs available for a disabled person to live self-sufficient and have their own small place to live themselves is just plain evil. I wish I lived in a country that cared about healthcare rights and not trying to drain the $854 I have to survive on every month to go to doctors. Just the basics such as a car payment to get from point A to B is $530 dollars and that’s not including the $120 dollars in insurance for that vehicle alone. Who the hell can survive and afford rent that is easily over $600 just for a room for rent. I do not even know what it’s like to have my own place to myself. It should not be a luxury to have my own place at an income that I can afford. The whole system is set up to fail someone who wants the ability to have their own place. I miss having my own studio apartment at times. I miss having the ability to have reliable public transit and not having to worry about driving a vehicle that sucks money that I do not have without the help of working a part-time job on top of living rent-free. Without that, I would be doomed and could not survive.

To understand what a person goes thru you need to first listen to what that person needs. Do not make assumptions that you think they need this therapy or that therapy.  How many times does someone have to state that they need confinement to feel security and structure? I can tell you my dream of immigrating to Europe is next to impossible but why does a jail cell have to be impossible to have. We give them to so many people that are innocent and they are treated better than people like me who keep a clean record. For what reason should I have to suffer the repercussions and go out and commit a crime to get my needed jail therapy. I have an ethical problem of not wanting to commit the crime to get arrested but I need someone to take me to jail. The freedom to not have to worry about the neverending decisions I must make on a daily basis. The ultimate dream and goal in life is to become the inmate that I must be. I would gladly take anyone place in jail and be locked up for them as I truthfully deserve to be incarcerated. I wish I had every luxurious thing they got from the food to the clothing to the comfortable matress they sleep on. Why was I even put on this planet to be living in this fucking hell? My freedom is taken away from me every single day because the cops and the useless society will not put me behind bars like I should be.

I would be so grateful the moment that an officer would come to detain me and put me in those wonderful handcuffs. The stress would be disappearing fast and the anxiety of not dealing with all this shit while the officer pats me down and get me in the cop car to take me to jail. I would finally have a smile on my face knowing that I can have all the comforts that those people have in jail. I so want to go thru booking and get my glamourous mug shot taken and get processed into the system. I would love to be awaiting my assignment into a cell and handing over my useless personal belongings in exchange for what is offered by the jail. I would be so happy to be given my jail bedroll and those clothes that have been worn by so many wondering inmates before me. I will never have this happiness cause my health matters to no one. My life is not important enough to get the finest luxuries that inmates are getting and to have the confinement I need for safety and security.

 Justice and Therapy Needed to Heal!

There is so much wrong with the society in which I am alive, especially the United Shits of Assholes. Who the fuck would want to be born in a country of people who are so selfish and do not care for the well being of someone else. A majority of Americans just want to see people with disabilities continue to suffer and wish they did not exist. I deserve the ability to have the justice and therapy needed for my situation. The guy who stole $650 bucks wins everything while I have no one to confine me and keep me safe. I wish I was never born then I would not have to worry about the justice and therapy needed every day in this hell called Earth. Every day I am struggling to even want to get out of bed or do basic tasks. I force myself to do things I do not even want to do to try and keep busy but for what reason. I live in so much pain and suffering that it never ends and every time I try to find a therapy option the joke is on me with my insurance company not covering the location that offers it. Want this therapy well it’s going to cost you 1600 bucks if we do cover the location you want to go to that’s not including the gas to travel back and forth daily. It is not relevant or going to happen that I can afford that and traveling 80 miles back and forth 5 days a week that kind of distance and fight with traffic.

There are other things that help my depression but the longer I remain stuck in the USA the longer my health will deteriorate to a point that I will constantly feel sick like I do every day. People can not understand severe depression until they are in the situation that I am in. The ignorance of people that think that what works for them works for others in which it does not. Imagine telling people what your needs are which are so fucking simple but they never do it. People just make fun of me and say I need to pray to a fictional GOD who some person made up to just control people. Then there are. the stupid people who make the comments that I need to love myself before others. Really that’s self-centered behavior which is what I am trying to get away from. Why does society think they always know what is best for someone. Medications do not work on the kind of depression that I have and the happiness I need comes from the ability to have freedom. The freedom to be locked up is the justice and therapy needed to have the healing and support to survive.

Most people would find that jail or a prison cell would not be therapy and would be the wrong environment for me. The problem is you not in my situation and has not been shaped to that need. The childhood I have gone thru being treated like a prisoner is what I know and that having all these decisions is making life harder. How is worrying about everything and all the decisions you have to make considered freedom. I find that I thrive better when I am restrained and secure in life. The fewer decisions I have to make the better on my mind. I can not find safety and security in the outside world and how would I being locked up in a jail hurt you. In fact, how is me being happy harming anyone I am disabled and have hardly any money to even have a great lifestyle. I can not afford even my own place especially on 850 dollars a month. I can barely afford a car payment and insurance let alone the credit card and internet and phone bill. I have to work a part-time job to cover the deficit and thanks to COVID I have to suffer every time I choose to work a shift now that my state has a dictator with enforced mask mandates.

Imagine having to remind yourself of the trauma of being almost choked to death with a cloth. I barely can even wear my muzzle in this pic and that has a breather hole in this one. The ability to not get the anxiety attacks and start panicking with a useless mask would make going to work easier. I am working the bare minimum that I have to and may just not even bother working at all and just stick with unemployment as my accommodations can not be made. I do not have the ability to work from home and with my compromised health I should not be working in a grocery store environment and the warehouse job I had wearing a mask just is not feasible when your moving heavy packages around. The pandemic is taking its toll dramatically and all I want to do is to be able to have a break from this shit. Let’s see how long my dictator governor will allow the ability to sit indoors in a restaurant or a coffee shop. I have no friends that care to spend time with me here and my medical health just is not going to get better. I want my jail cell so fucking badly and I think that the justice and therapy needed should be available to people like me. I can not change my opinion that this is not what I need until the reality of the situation happens and who knows maybe that is truly where my purpose in life is meant to be.

I can not find anyone in the gay bondage community to restrain me and keep me secure. The people in this state have so many attitudes that really need to burn to the ground. I hate passive-aggressive people as they fucking just do not get how much it’s unattractive. All the friends that I met physically only exist in foreign countries. I need what the inmates in the local jail have the comforts they get. The structure and the restraints the lack of all the decisions the ability to be free and be locked up and not have to worry about what to eat or where to go. I rather have a guard tell me what to do than have the decisions myself. I would do better in this environment would not have to feel the loneliness I feel. 

Robbed at Gunpoint!

picture of me

On Monday, December 7th, 2020 I became the victim of being involved in a robbery at gunpoint. I honestly wish that I never have had to experience that trauma of having a gun to my face. After so many successful transactions over the course of numerous years and meeting people I never would have expected what took place that evening. The amount of pain and the humiliation of having a gun to your face for no reason other than to steal money feels like shit. To literally be powerless to some thug who thinks it is ok to ruin someone’s life for the sake of $650 dollars. This amount of money is not easy to recover and I wish I would have been on the ground left dead. At least being dead I wouldn’t have to worry about the financial implications and the feeling of hopelessness that came from this situation.

I tried to meet inside a local Safeway which is a public place but when I came out the person was not there. I left the store after sending a text to the person asking where he was and got played to meet outside in the parking lot near a Dairy Queen. Turns out the guy was playing me the whole entire time for the entire transaction he comes running towards me with another guy and shows me an empty box I say no and start walking towards my car and he points a fucking gun to my face saying I am buying it no matter what. I said no again and he starts counting down saying I give my money or he shoots. Me being defenseless hands the cash hoping he goes away the guy starts walking away I try to get the license plate number from the car guy comes back demanding my phone and wallet at which point I start screaming help call 911 so loudly. I literally like you already got my cash what the hell you going do with either of em guy starts running again and the getaway driver. I called 911 as soon as they were in the car dealing with dispatch and the cops there in minutes. There were two witnesses to the ordeal but I still am waiting for the detective to produce a lead and find the perpetrator who robbed at gunpoint.

Having to pay more to a scalper for a PS5 Console is bad enough when you can not find the item on retail shelves due to bots and unfair retailer systems. The retailers are mostly to blame as well as Sony Corporation for allowing these behaviors. How hard would it have been to just simply batch orders out and let everyone order? Coronavirus is hard enough as it is but adding a lockdown and nothing else to do is just making matters worse. Having been robbed while being at gunpoint just sucks so much. I wanted a distraction from the everyday pain that I am going thru instead I got scammed. The guy if ever caught will get to get rewarded with the luxurious jail cell and eventually prison for it. Whereas the victim who was robbed at gunpoint which is me will continue to not have confinement happiness and security.  I want to be inside a jail cell so much and can not even get the cops to let me inside one. 


Lockdown and humanity is Trash. I want a PS5 now!

I a so tired of the low life scalpers who have nothing better to do than steal from those who really want to play the Sony Playstation 5. Why would you charge for a 499 dollar console upwards of 1500 bucks and keep buying them to screw everyone over during this lockdown? There is a special place in hell for those who are price gouging innocent people and taking advantage of those during a pandemic. I should not have to live anymore since I am stuck in a country full of greedy assholes that need 10 or more fucking consoles. Wish I could get one for retail as I am not rich enough to afford these prices. Most be nice to have that kind of money to afford one. I am disabled on a fixed income and am the one most disadvantaged by these greedy assholes.

I guess I do not belong in this world and should give up existing on the planet. I wish I was never even born because I am useless and not needed. I wish I didn’t have to be harrassed by people because I want to play a fucking video game console. What kind of people are so low that they won’t even give me a chance in life to have one at an affordable level. I guess leaving this world is the only way to not have to wake up to the evil and the pain. I should just give up my medications I can not be confined inside a jail cell either. Instead, I’m confined to a fucking hell hole. I wish there was a decent human being that let me have a console for the holidays but this lockdown and humanity is trash. How hard is it to give someone a chance to have some fun and to stay safe inside during the COVID pandemic. I just hope they enjoy the suffering they have caused me and others for the sake of extra cash. What a scumbag way to make money this year. I find those who block me for making an offer of 600 dollars which is 100 more than retail cost and 50 more than taxes fair enough. I find it rude and disgusting you also would say that this is the market demand price when you know what you are doing is illegal and highly immoral. I hate how you destroy people and say there poor because they can not pay your outrageous prices and that this is the only way to make money during a pandemic. Or your Cashapp scams. Anyone willing to donate me a PS5.

Adidas Jeremy Scott Shoes

I will Never Matter

The pain of feeling like I do not matter in this world and it is the hardest thing one like me goes thru every day. Imagine a life when you feel like you do not matter and have to cry yourself to sleep and can not feel the happiness one should be able to feel. I went to the grocery store and felt so disappointed in myself and my existence and wondered why I even bother trying anymore. I wish I could have been that pup in that hood, and with someone that wanted me. The pain I feel because I was born in a country where I can not be myself and have to be something I am not. I never felt this way abroad because there I actually mattered as a person and was valued for what I am. Not looked at for being HIV positive and actually had people date me. I do not plan to continue my HIV care anymore as I do not want to continue to be apart of this cruel world all alone. I do not deserve to feel this pain anymore and I wish I could leave America forever. I live in constant hurt and have no friends in America. I have to have something that is not possible to find without committing a crime. I should not have to do something wrong to be able to be sleeping confined and locked in a cage. I wish I was lucky like all those inmates sleeping in their jail cells getting everything taken care of. I wish I was being handcuffed and restrained and given a set of structures, but that is not possible because I have ethics and morals that I just can not do crimes. I pay just like every other taxpayer for the comforts of them and yet when I need it mentally and physically I can not have it as I never matter.

I do not matter to the police who have told me to kill myself and that I was crazy for wanting to be locked in a jail cell. I have a society not understanding me and having different needs. I can not even go into a grocery store not being alone and unimportant or like I even exist. I felt so hurt and have been crying all night since I saw that person have what I crave and want. Seeing that guy inside a pup hood with the pawprint tattoos made me wish I was him. He had someone that was his handler and someone that wants him for him. I fucking am so over the dating apps because in America I can not get what I crave. I can not even have someone to keep me restrained and secured at night. I get the worst medical care in a country that is supposed to be developed but really is not. I have to work a job that does not treat me like I even matter. I have to face all this pain and can not even have a break from all the stress of reality. I hope soon I can have what makes me happy and feel like I matter. I wish being able to go in jail was a right and that I was lucky like all the news reporters who can go in without a record. Or be lucky like those people on the seasons of 60 Days In cause I never have luck and never have the chances of a lifetime. If it’s so fucking bad then let me see for myself and give me a chance to do it without fucking up a clean record as the stigma of having marks on it makes life even worse. In Europe being in jail does not ruin your life but in America, even a fucking misdemeanor can result in no job offers. 

I do not want to see another second of my life anymore. I do not get the opportunities I need unlike others in this world. How come others in this world have the option to declare asylum in other countries but as an American citizen has no right to do such. I am being persecuted every day for things out of my control. I should not have to be unable to work because I am on disability benefits. Why was I born in such a disgusting culture full of nasty and evil people? America is not the land of freedom or opportunity unless you are apart of the working class and the elite. Who thinks that healthcare is a luxury in this world? Why should I not be able to have a job because I’m unable to work over so many hours and am restricted by the income I make. I miss the ability to not have to worry about things and now I just struggle nonstop.